A Parody or two
by mrsgeorgeweasley48
Summary: Just some light-hearted parody's of Merlin. Includes: Arthur in a dress, Morgana smirking and Uthers alcoholism among others! No offence meant to anyone who has the themes! NOTE: Chapters do not follow on. CHAPTER 3 NOW UP!
1. Chapter 1

Parody.

It was late morning when Merlin entered Arthur's chambers. Despite the fact that his lateness is never mentioned in the series, he decided he had better live up to his fan fiction reputation. Merlin gently shook Arthur awake who appeared to be lost in a dream. Looking at Arthur's beautiful features, he felt a bizarre fluttering in his stomach, gradually realising over the course of around twenty seconds that he was madly in love with the prince.

"Merlin…?" Arthur stirred from his slumber to see his manservant's head close to his own. He received a goofy grin in return. Arthur sat bolt upright in bed as his dream came back to him, beginning to gaze at Merlin with complete adoration.

"Morning sire"

"Oh Merlin," Arthur said joyously, "even though we have never expressed any sexual desire for each other and I wouldn't hug you that one time, it has come to my attention that we have some chemistry together." Merlin looked puzzled yet hopeful; could Arthur be professing his love? Surely not?

Arthur continued, "This chemistry is clearly too strong to deny and pass off as either acting, nor friendship. Therefore I have come to the conclusion than I am deeply in love with you and must make you my lover. I'm sure we can find some lube even though it hasn't been invented yet."

"Oh Arthur, I feel the same way - lets make love." Merlin cried out in happiness and the two proceeded to make hot smutty love with the aforementioned non-existent lube.

Some hours later, the two lay in bed together. "Arthur," Merlin broke the silence. "Yes my flower" replied Arthur, looking upon Merlin with the kind of wonder than the character would never show.

"There's something I have to tell you" Merlin frowned and bit his lip. "Even though I have sworn never to tell anyone this, I feel than this morning has changed everything and so you should know that I have magic. How you haven't figured this out yet is a complete mystery to the viewers at home; seriously, I've saved your life so many times and passed it off as a miracle, are you a complete moron? Also, that black cat monster thing you killed was my girlfriend. Thanks for that."

Arthur recoiled in horror, "You're a sorcerer?" He gasped, "This is an interesting revelation; according to the laws of fan fiction, I can either completely disregard our friendship, relationship and the numbers of lives I owe you and turn you in to my father or I can change my views on magic entirely, defy the law and ignore it?" Merlin awaited his decision with baited breath. "I think that for the purpose of the plot I should be appalled by your possession of magic. I no longer care for you. Goodbye." With that, Arthur stormed out of his chambers, leaving Merlin on his bed crying (because in fan fiction world, Merlin is a complete wuss).

After he had sorted himself out, Merlin decided that he had no choice other than to turn to Morgana. He made his way to her chambers and knocked lightly. "Come in" came from inside and Merlin entered slowly.

"Morgana," he began, tears forming in his eyes, "I know we have had at most one or two episodes where we have explored our friendship but in fan fiction world, we are best friends and you would do anything for me, including standing up to Arthur and the King, which you seem to do in almost every story."

"Of course Merlin," she replied, with a smile. "We are extremely close, only surpassed my friendship with Gwen and that may be because we are lovers…possibly? I'm not really sure what the author wants there."

Merlin looked bewildered. "You and…Gwen? Well this is completely made up, I mean are they even watching properly? I know me and Arthur have that chemistry but…never mind. The author is in charge and she will have her way." Morgana nodded and clapped her hands.

"Right, I'm going to go and talk some sense into Arthur, or failing that I'll just slap him." She left without further word. When she returned some moments later, she was dragging Arthur by his ears who was sporting a red hand-print on his cheek. She pushed him into the room forcefully. "Well!" She demanded, giving him a terrifying glare.

Arthur looked at the floor, pouting. "I'm sorry Merlin" he said sadly, "I don't know what came over me. Despite the fact that I have been brought up to despise magic of all kinds, from knowing you a year or so and being you lover for those glorious two hours, I know you would never hurt me or Camelot." He looked sheepishly at Merlin who smiled and jumped out of his chair.

"It's okay, I forgive you for being disgusted with me. I love you" and went on to kiss the prince soundly. Morgana smiled and 'awwwed' as the boys broke apart, grinning broadly.

"I'm glad you to have made up," she said, "If Uther had killed you, then I would have nobody to plot against when I turn evil next season-" she stopped quickly. Merlin and Arthur looked at her, puzzled.

"Um, what was that last bit Morgana" Arthur asked, slowly.

"Nothing!" she replied quickly, turning and leaving the room.

Arthur looked at Merlin with affection before realising something important. "There's just one problem" he began slowly. "I _may_ have already told Uther you have magic"

"WHAT?" Merlin yelled, terror clouding his eyed. "He'll kill me"

"Too right I will" came Uther's gleeful voice from the doorway. "I love killing people. You shall be executed at noon" and turned to exit the room.

"Father, wait" Arthur cried. Uther stopped and turned to face his son. "Yes?"

"Please don't do this, I love him and he would never hurt us." Arthur shouted in desperation. "Please, I am in love with him - spare him"

Uther frowned. "But magic is evil, son. I cannot spare him, not that I want to. Magic is against the law."

"Father you really must, if you try to kill him then I will find some way of making it so that if you killed him, it would harm me and you may be a bastard, but you wouldn't do that. I hope. It would be easy, Merlin does have magic after all, you dim-witted tyrant. Failing that, we'll run away together, most likely to Ealdor or to live in the forest. The author of this fanfic really cannot be bothered to write all that so you might as well just give in now." he concluded smugly.

"Fair point" said Uther, looking very annoyed indeed. He wanted to execute _somebody_, he was the King after all. He would have to settle for fantasising about it during one of the many tournaments, Arthur always won anyway so he rarely needed to pay attention. He turned to face his son and spoke.

"You have changed my mind! I will allow the boy to live and allow you to carry on this relationship with him. Despite the fact that I've spent the past years killing anyone who had anything to do with magic, I will now change my beliefs and the laws to make magic legal, cos quite frankly, doesn't make a damn bit of difference. We still get attacked by everything magical under the sun."

As if summoned by cue, a beautiful sorceress appeared with a blinding flash. She had raven black hair and her eyed blazed golder than Arthur's hair. "I am here to destory Camelot" she drawled, in a evilly musical voice. Arthur and Merlin groaned in familiarity. "Then when Merlin is the only one who can kill me, you will be forced to spare his life and recognize his goodness."

"You're too late, fool" Uther exclaimed in exasperation. "Magic is legal now cos I'm the King and I said so, so…" and Uther blew a raspberry in her face. The witch looked appalled.

"Er…Shoo!" said Arthur, and the witch did just that, looking thoroughly put-out. Arthur looked surprised. "Well that was easy" he remarked. "Maybe we should try that every time we get attacked?" Arthur then turned to Merlin and took his hand before kissing him enthusiastically, possibly also feeling his bum.

Uther rolled his eyes, 'No need to see that' he thought, and wandered away from the couple, muttering something about "Wine…bloody servants…maybe Gaius has some ale…"

The next day in Camelot, something else terrible attacked the castle but Arthur and Merlin were too busy having sex somewhere in the castle to be bothered and the knights, Sir MacKenzie and others of equally time-correct names fought in instead. They lost, but nobody really cared.

Up in the castle, Arthur broke his furious love-making with Merlin to ask a question. "Uh, Merlin?" he started nervously, "I know I'm probably being silly, but I have to ask: did you have anything to do with the dragon being released?"

Merlin gulped and fidgeted, before finally replying "Don't be silly! Of course not baby" Arthur let out the breath he'd been holding in and continued kissing Merlin, who decided that they'd had quite enough truths for one week and that he'd tell him…some other time.

END

**I _may_ write another, based around Morgana's smirking (she does an awful lot of it) if people enjoy this story :)**


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: As promised, a second chapter about Morgana. Enjoy and don't forget to review! ALso, a third and final chapter may follow revolving around the Dragon but I've no idea what it will be like yet. What do we think about that?_

The evil plots of Morgana and Morgause

Morgana Pendragon was not happy. Oh no, she was not happy at all. She had been smirking evilly behind everyone's backs for nearly _three weeks_ now and yet, somehow, she had not overthrown Uther and been crowned Queen herself. She could not understand it at all.

"It may have something to do with the way I keep trying to kill everyone?" she mused to Morgause one day in their cave. "Maybe instead of sending Arthur on these long elaborate quests in which I attempt to subtly kill him, I should just hit him over the head with something or stab him in his sleep? What do you think sister?"

Morgause looked outraged. "We cannot, sister! We must do it in the most impractical way probable. That way, we shall be thwarted by Merlin a few times before we can crown you, my sister, as Queen of Camelot! The series would be far too short to just kill him so easily. Do you see, sister?"

"I do see, you are right sister!" Morgana replied as realisation dawned on her. She saw now that they had to provide a plot arc that would span over at least thirteen episodes. "However, I do feel that we should try a more aggressive approach". Morgause smiled and nodded in agreement.

Morgana was silent for a moment and then frowned. "Just one more thing sister…why do we both keep saying the word 'sister' in every sentence? Surely we know who each other are?" she asked.

"Ah that I cannot answer I am afraid my sister. It is just the way of the show." Morgause replied sadly, "We must remind the audience every five minutes it seems. Just ignore it and soon you won't notice it!"

The two then went back to their plotting and decided the next step in their 'Evil Master Plan to Takeover Camelot' was to steal (yes, _steal_) Arthur's teddy bear and hope he got so depressed that he killed Uther and then himself. They felt it was sure to work!

A few days later, Morgana paid a visit to Arthur's chambers where she found him frantically searching through his drawers and Merlin crawling under the bed. She put on her very best innocent face and inquired in a caring tone "Is something wrong Arthur?"

Arthur jumped, turned around and saw Morgana and kicked Merlin who emerged from under the bed covered in dust. "No, no of course not" he replied quickly. Morgana then noticed Merlin had a curious look on his face.

"Merlin?" she asked, meeting his eyes. Arthur gave Merlin a deathly glare who promptly burst out laughing, crying "Arthur's lost his teddy"

Morgana smiled kindly and then patted Arthur gently on the shoulder, a look of pity on her face. "He's called Snuggles" Merlin howled, tears of mirth beginning to roll down his face.

"Oh I'm sure it will turn up sooner or later." Morgana spoke in a soothing tone. Arthur flashed her a brief gracious smile and then proceeded to shove Merlin onto his hands and knees and back under the bed.

Morgana exited the room and as she did, she smirked evilly to herself. The next day, Snuggles turned up on Arthur's table, minus his head. Arthur cried for three days straight and insisted on having a funeral for him to which Merlin and Morgana were both in attendance. As Arthur buried Snuggles in the castle gardens, Merlin tried his very hardest not to giggle and Morgana smirked, evilly (again).

To the astonishment of Morgana and Morgause, their plan failed. Arthur simply mourned the loss of Snuggles for a while and then moved on. He even got a new teddy bear whick was purple and he named it Cudsy. Arthur loved Cudsy.

* * *

"I can't believe it didn't work sister!" Morgana exclaimed. She didn't think they could get much more evil than they already were. Morgause apparently had other ideas.

"Do not worry sister. I have concocted a plan more dastardly evil than one could dream. We will-" she paused for dramatic effect (they have got to fill the forty minutes of airtime after all) "mess with Uther's mind!"

Morgana looked confused. "What exactly do you mean sister?"

"We will just do bizarrely random yet infinitely evil things to Uther, and possibly Arthur too, eventually driving him to madness and maybe even alcoholism!" she replied, her eyes shining with…evilness. Morgana was speechless at the sheer brilliance of the plan. As the King's Ward she could do anything or go anywhere she wanted and nobody would dare question her. It was perfect!

A few days later, Uther awoke to find all his candles missing from his chambers, porridge in his boots and a frog on his throne wearing a crown. Morgana looked on all this and smirked, evilly. She felt sure the kingdom would be hers by the end of the week.

Thee weeks later, Morgana had still not been crowned. She sat in her chambers puzzling over this before decided to step it up a notch and turn her attentions to Arthur. She had been thinking about her plans for him for quite some time. She smirked to herself then cackled, before realising she looked quite mad and resumed her usual smirking.

The next day, Arthur woke up in a dress. He found that no matter how hard he tried, he could not get out of the dress. It didn't help that it was a rather fetching shade of turquoise blue with some gold sequins adorning the…ahem…bust. He sent for Merlin frantically.

When Merlin arrived, he simply looked at the prince for a moment or two before remarking, "Suits you sire" with a small chuckle. Merlin may have been a few newt eyes short of a potion but he had learnt when not to laugh. The murderous look on Arthur's face also gave him a hint.

"It won't come off" Arthur wailed pathetically to which Merlin concealed a guffaw of laughter. "I've tried everything"

"It compliments your eyes" Merlin said, recieving a clip around the head "Maybe we should try cutting you out of it?" he continued.

"Maybe then you will become aroused by my rippling muscles and we can have sex?" he hopefully inquired, he knew this was usually how these things began in fanfiction world but Merlin just shook his head, smiling and said "Sorry sire, it's not that kind of fic"

Arthur looked extremely put out. "Fetch a knife then" he commanded and off Merlin went.

But it was no use. The knife would just not cut through the material of the dress. They tried many times to no avail. They tried ripping the dress off, pulling it over his head and Arthur even suggested trying to burn the dress off but Merlin quickly put a stop to that nonsense.

"What am I to do?" Arthur cried, "I look so ridiculous in this dress, nothing could be more humiliating-" he suddenly noticed a look on Merlin's face. "What is it?" he demanded. Merlin shuffled nervously from one foot to the other before finally mumbling something like "Haveyouseenyourhair?"

"What?" Arthur said loudly, beginning to panic. Merlin took a deep breath and simply took a mirror from Arthur's table and held it up, revealing the shocking pink hair colour Arthur was currently sporting. Arthur gazed at his reflection in horror for a second or two before turning and crawling back into bed. "You will say I am indisposed" he said quietly. Merlin nodded before leaving the room.

As Merlin was walking down the corridor, he bumped into Uther who was clearly not aware that he had the words 'Magic Man' written on his forehead in green glitter. Merlin quickly decided he was not going to get involved and simply bowed quickly and moved on. Morgana looked on, smirking. 'This is brilliant' she thought to herself before retiring to her chambers.

However, her happiness faded as Uther and Arthur did not throw themselves off the turrets over the next few days. It just wasn't working she realised sadly and called a meeting with Morgause.

"I don't think I'm cut out for this" she confessed at the meeting. Morgause looked baffled.

"Whatever can you mean sister?" she asked. Morgana sighed and replied, "This whole being evil thing…I don't think it's for me. None of our plots are working, my cheeks hurt from smirking so much - I just can't do it anymore!"

"Alright sister" Morgause sighed in acceptance. "If you don't mind, I'm gonna keep on being evil, I think it works for me better than the fighting thing. That played havoc with my eyeliner."

Morgana smiled kindly at her, "Whatever you wish my sister. If it's any consolation, my only other option in the fan fiction universe seems to be to get Arthur and Merlin together with the help of Gwen. This might cause some entertaining results."

A look of amazement came over Morgause's face and she gleefully clapped her hands and exclaimed "Oh yes sister, lets do that instead!" before hugging her sister (yes, they are sisters - just in case it hasn't clicked yet).

* * *

As Arthur walked along the hallway to his chambers, he thanked God for the fourteenth time that day that he was no longer wearing the dress. He had spent the past three days in his room, refusing to see anyone but Merlin until he had woken up this morning to find the dress gone and his hair back to normal, albeit with a slightly red tinge. He called it strawberry blonde; Merlin called it ginger. He couldn't explain the strange events of the past week but he wasn't about to question it. He entered his room to find Morgana sitting at his table, her hands crossed in front of her. She was looking at him with a very unusual expression that he couldn't define. She smiled broadly at him and Arthur felt a chill run down his spine.

"Morgana" he greeted, an attempt at casual, "Can I do something for you?"

"I want to talk about Merlin" she replied and smirked. Yes, evilly.

Arthur gulped and suddenly wished he had his dress back. It wasn't so bad after all.


	3. Chapter 3

_Authors Note: Well aren't you all lucky? Two new chapters in one week? Are there any other things we want mocked in future chapters? Review and let me know!_

_In this story, the Dragon becomes very agitated as Merlin continously calls on him for increasingly trivial things. Slightly more plotty, less parody._

_

* * *

_

The Great Dragon had survived a lot of things. He had made it through battles, many disasters and Uther's relentless purging. To this day, he considered convincing the mad King that he really did want a Dragon as a pet one of his greatest victories. He had lived for thousands of years, knew the wisdoms of the present and what the future held. Despite all this, he could not fathom the mystery that was Merlin. Seriously, the Dragon had had it up to his scaled eyeballs with that kid. Sure he freed him, but he never listened, constantly ignored his advice and abused his Dragonlord powers to take what he presumed to be some form of medieval rollercoaster rides under the guise of "saving Camelot" for the millionth time. He was beginning to feel very frustrated with the young warlock.

At this precise time, he heard the call of the Dragonlord and could do nothing but fly off to that large clearing by Camelot that nobody ever seemed to notice. Come to think of it, nobody ever seemed to notice a gigantic Dragon flying through the sky either. However, they still thought Uther was a good King and that Morgana was lovely and kind; clearly, they weren't the most observant bunch.

As he landed, Merlin was waiting for him, looking worried as he usually was. The Dragon barely had time to put his wings away before Merlin said, "I need your help."

"Well that much is clear, or else I wouldn't be here" replied the Dragon, rolling his eyes. Merlin frowned for a second before saying "Yeah I suppose that's true."

"So, what is it warlock? I take it Camelot is in danger yet again?" he asked lazily. Merlin never called him for anything exciting.

"Morgana has unleashed an evil curse in the castle," he began. The Dragon sighed before replying, "You should have killed the bitch-sorry, witch-when you had the chance"

Merlin looked alarmed. "I couldn't just let her die" he shouted. "It's not her fault she has magic! Besides, she's only trying to kill Uther - it wouldn't be the worst thing if she succeeded." The Dragon nodded in agreement - Uther was a bit of a dickhead after all.

"So what is the nature of this curse?" he inquired after a moments pause.

"It makes everybody tell the truth; whatever they're thinking at that moment in time comes out their mouths. It's been going on for a week now and it's a right nuisance." he complained. Merlin had come so close to nearly blurting out the truth about his powers a few times already. He didn't know if he could fight the curse much longer. He looked at the Dragon, who appeared to be considering the predicament.

Merlin continued, "I think Morgana is using this spell to gain some sort of declaration from Uther in front of the court."

"I imagine the witch has cast it on everyone to mask the source and intentions of the curse." said the Dragon. Merlin agreed; this thought had occurred to him already. "Has anyone confessed anything interesting yet?"

"Well, we've found out that Arthur's has nightmares that people cut his hair and that Uther loves to pick wildflowers and that he and Gaius were once lovers" Merlin shuddered at the disturbing mental image that revelation had caused. He, along with the rest of the court, hadn't been able to look either of the two in the eyes since. "But nothing important has been admitted yet."

The Dragon knew all of this already; he was magic after all. "To stop this curse, you must gain a confession from the perpetrator herself, the lady Morgana. Only this will stop it."

To this, Merlin smiled in relief. "Yeah that's what I thought" he said and turned to walked away before a roar from the Dragon stopped him in his tracks.

"You knew how to stop the curse already?" he shouted. Merlin looked confused before replying "Er, yes?" The Dragon was pissed off, he had come all this way for nothing?

"Then why on earth did you call me?" The Dragon was getting ready to roast Merlin by this point.

"Well, I thought I'd better check." said Merlin, as if it were obvious. Now, the Dragon was seriously pissed off. He'd always thought the warlock too skinny to eat but he was reconsidering.

Merlin carried on, "Yeah so I thought I should…I don't know, be sure? It's not like you actually do anything all day besides think of new ways to be as vague was possible."

At this, the Dragon turned his back on Merlin and flew off in a huff.

* * *

The next week, the Dragon heard the call again and, unwillingly, he set off for Camelot once more. As he settled into the clearing, he noticed how uncomfortable the boy looked as he shuffled from one foot to another, wringing his hands.

"Out with it, I don't have all day" he commanded.

"Er right, I…well, it was the truth spell and er, and it just, um…" Merlin stuttered, turning bright red. The Dragon sighed; he really didn't have the time for this shit, he did have other things to do other than save Merlin's skinny arse every day. He _was_ halfway through decorating his new cave after all.

Merlin took a deep breath before finally revealing what the urgent problem was.

"I slept with Arthur last night" he blurted out. There was a beat, where the Dragon just stared at Merlin, disbelievingly.

"What do you expect me to do about it?" he asked finally. Merlin looked surprised at this, he had thought the Dragon might give him advice on how to profess his love.

"Well, I was hoping for some advice - the truth spell made us state our feelings and then we ended up in bed together. Then this morning, he kicked me out of bed and shouted at me" Merlin pouted at the memory.

"I don't believe it - do you really think I've got nothing better to do with my time than hear about your love life?"

"Well, no-" but the Dragon cut him off, exclaiming "I could be having a love life of my own."

The Dragon now appeared to be off in his own little dragon world. "I could find a nice little dragon wife and get married, have some lovely dragon babies" He wistfully continued, his eyes glazing over as he became lost in his fantasy.

"Well, no you couldn't," Merlin interjected. "You're the last one remember?"

The Dragon snapped out of it and glared at Merlin. "Oh yes that's right - and whose fault is that? Hmm? Uther's the bastard. You should have let the witch kill him."

Merlin just rolled his eyes at this and then asked, "Are you going to be a good slash-dragon and give me some help or not?"

"You really want my opinion?" he said. Merlin nodded like a lovesick puppy. The Dragon exhaled before, "Do it. Bed him. Go at it like bunnies. I don't care, as long as I don't have to hear about it. Now, the next time you call upon me, your life had _better _be in peril"

With this, he flew away, leaving a very flabbergasted Merlin behind.

* * *

The Dragon was certainly not pleased to hear Merlin's call for the third time that month. He sullenly looked around his cave (nicely decorated now in lavender wallpaper - just had to get some dragon-sized furniture to complete the look) and tried to resist. It was futile and despite his best efforts, the Dragon found himself flying towards Camelot. He tried to turn back many times, however all that happened is he did a sort-of spasm in the air and after kicking himself in the face for the third time, he gave up. It was nightfall by the time he reached Camelot where he found Merlin pacing the clearing.

"This had better be important" said the Dragon, as he landed on the soft ground.

"Well not exactly," replied Merlin, "I lost my favourite neck scarf - you don't happen to know where it is do you?"

The Dragon was speechless. "What part of 'life in peril' did you not quite grasp?" he demanded, wondering how much it would really effect destiny if he were to grievously harm the warlock. Not kill, no he knew Merlin had important work to do, he just wondered if he necessarily needed both arms (or legs?) to fulfil it.

"It is important" Merlin insisted with a smirk, "I need it to hide the love bites from Arthur"

The Dragon was shocked. He was almost certain that Merlin didn't need his legs by now and started planning his attack. He almost didn't notice that Merlin was still withering on about his "relationship" with Arthur.

"-and it was so sweet, he made me dinner last week and then we cuddled for hours, and yesterday he picked me some lovely flowers from the gardens - they were so beautifully arranged." he burbled on cheerfully. "He must have inherited his skills from his father, or 'Pops' as Uther likes me to call him. He's such a softie at heart-"

"Merlin!" Merlin stopped talking and looked at the Dragon with a sulky stare.

"What?" he whined. Really, that Dragon was quite rude sometimes!

"Do you think I'm…some sort of therapist?" He received a very scary grin from Merlin in reply.

"No I don't think you are" Merlin's voice took on a sinister quality and the Dragon felt a chill run down his…wings. "I say you are."

The Dragon spluttered in indignition. "I am the _last_ dragon-" but Merlin spoke before he could finish.

"And I'm the last Dragonlord," he said happily. "You've got to do what I tell you to do." His voice took on an almost sing-song quality and he did a little Merlin victory dance. "So, you're gonna sit down - shut up" the Dragons open mouth snapped shut, "and you're going to listen all about me and Arthur. Right so after he brought me the flowers, he took me down to the lake and we had a picnic…"

The Dragon could do nothing but watch on in horror, as Merlin described every last detail of the past few weeks - even going as far as to act out some of the more…vigorous scenes. It was going to be a long night.


End file.
